vicious circle of rules

[SamsMom]

My 16yo daughter discovered at 13 that if she didn't do what we asked or followed the general rules of the house, it didn't matter. Because - what could we do about it? The more we try to enforce, the more she shirks, knowing we really have no control over what she does. In fact, she has blow-outs, as I call them, and uses those as leverage, so that we don't upset her apple-cart. After several years of this, I'm tired of being my daughter's hostage.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Ask your daughter if she'll agree to go to counseling with you. If (or when) she refuses, go with your husband to get some idea about what is going on. The therapist will need to get a complete history to see if some more involved disorder might be present here. First, chat with other adults who deal with your daughter (teachers, coaches, and so on) to see if this behavior occurs everywhere or only at home.
The fact is that kids who behave this way are NOT happy, although they sure look smug at times. Being that irresponsible and out of control is actually very unsettling for teens, although they won't admit it.
If the therapist determines that there is no other disorder involved, then get some suggestions on how to best respond. It sounds as if you might be being held hostage to her "blow-ups", but tantrums must never be allowed to determine what your home rules should be.
You might consider negotiating with your daughter regarding what you want and what she wants. Offer to let her earn money by doing some chores in the home. Give her a list and allow her to pick the ones she'll do. Keep a daily record (paysheet) of completed tasks, and only pay for those that are done. GIVE HER NO OTHER SPENDING MONEY. She must learn that she earns what she wants by behaving appropriately, and that her blow-ups just get her nothing.
Let us know how you make out.