daughter skipping school

[momwith4]

My daughter (15) is having a really rough freshman year in highschool. Right at the beginning of the year, a lot of her "best" closest friends dumped her and started spreading rumors about her all over school. She had broken up with her boyfriend and her friends just ditched her. After that she experimented with her looks - she used to look all wholesome with the long ponytail and regular jeans and t-shirts - now she has dyed dark brown short hair and wears more punk rocker type t-shirts. I've tried to be flexible with her appearance because I would rather focus on grades or turning in homework.

She has since rebuilt her friend group twice. She keeps running in to the same problem. She makes friends or makes up with old friends and then for some reason she doesn't know, they strart spreading rumors all over school about her.

We go to counceling every other week because we have other problems with grades at school and other problems, but she hasn't mentioned any of the school problems to the councelor.
She said that she and I were getting along so well that she didn't want me upset.

Anyway, two days ago the school called and said that she cut the whole day of classes. When she got home I asked her about it and she said that she spent the whole time walking around in the park next to the school and in the bathroom. She is frantic about all the people at school with the rumors and people talking about her. She said she couldn't take it anymore.

Because of her grades slipping she has her teachers sign off that she attended class and turned in homework so she knew she was going to get caught skipping . I'm not sure how to deal with the whole rumor thing at school. She's miserable.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Get back to that counselor quickly, and with your daughter in the room, tell the therapist about these social issues. Remember that in a kid's world, these social struggles are terribly powerful and can cause great damage and pain. The fact that she seems to keep experiencing the same problems indicates that this is as least as important a therapy issue as are the academic problems. As you're seeing, social struggles can torpedo the learning.
In the interim, please check in with your daughter to see how much pain she is in. Often, kids who get cut out of groups start thinking about hurting themselves. Do not give her platitudes ("You'll be fine") but rather get her to pour out as much of her pain and hurt as possible. Don't "fix", just listen. The listening fixes a lot more than the "fixing."
Good luck.