feeling betrayed

[momwith4]

After reading more of the teens are crazy book or as I now think of it, the scary owners manual for teens, I tried the dispassionate cop approach to my daughter with regards to skipping school. It seemed like it really is working - she broke down in tears, I could see the pain. The rebel was gone, and in her place was the hurt crying kid I haven't seen in a long time. She confided in me like we haven't in a long time. She said how her friends were all on her case and how skipping school was a mistake. Her dad even managed to understand that the skipping was a separate issue from academic stuff and more a reaction to all the social stuff that was landing on her.
As for consequences, I said that she would have to do the detention that the school will impose, but for me, I wanted her to come up with at least 5 constructive things that she could do to cope when things get bad. That weekend, I took her and one of her friends to lunch and we talked and had a good time.
The next day was our therapy appointment and I repeated all this, and my daughter went into greater detail with the councelor. We have been having all kinds of really great conversations. We talked about friends, and school and boys.
All seems to be working out ok so far. At least that's what I thought.
She got a phone call yesterday, and one of my sons answered it - called for his sister and handed me the phone to hang up. Then, I heard on the other end of the phone my daughter saying, "So, are we gonna get wasted again this weekend?" to her friend. It was like some surreal traffic accident. I stood there like a shmoe, just listening to this conversation of my daughters. (something I swore I would NEVER do) with a feeling of hurt and betrayal the likes of which I can't even describe. The stuff - drugs, boys f'ing with her made me want to cry and scream at the same time. I'm not sure what to do now. Do I confront her? Do I admit I listened in? I can't just sit by and do nothing. What do you think.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
First, calm down, reflect, and think a bit. The work you've been doing with your daughter sounds just wonderful. Do not throw all of that away because of this possible setback.
I say possible because the vast majority of the outrageous things kids say in those "raps" are untrue or greatly exaggerated. This is why we suggest that parents avoid overhearing their kids' conversations.
What to do? Keep using those great skills you just displayed in connecting with your kid. WHEN YOU ARE CALM, quietly share with her what you overheard. If she accuses you of spying, tell the story of how you heard, but apologize anyway saying that you should be more careful to not even accidentally overhear her private conversations. But after putting that to rest, then calmly ask her about what you did hear.
Whether she was planning to use or not, the fact is that you made great progress toward connecting with her. Don't lose that, but rather build upon it even if there still are problems. Remember that true psychological change takes time, and we measure progress in trends, not perfection. Keep your trend positive and, in the end, you'll win.
Hang in there.