Changing my mind?

[Charlett]

HI. My daughter was being defiant and beligerant last night. After hours of this behavor I finally told her no camp this summer and she could not go to Indiana this summer to see her best friend. Sha ewas keeping the enitire house up late. After warning there would be a punishment., if this did not stop. She has been trying to change, at least what I could see these last few weeks. Today I have to meet with her teachers again because she is in danger of failing 8th grade(She is not learning dibabled), She won't hand in work or get to school or classes on time. HSe has dention eeryweek twice and in school supsensions. My questions is she does whatever she can for hours relentlessly to get people in the house upset. We've tried walking away, explaining and punishing. Sometime I will make a statement with too much pumishment. I then sit with her and say I was wrong That is too harsh, we will "lighten the sentence" My husband says this is wrong, but he likes to have too strict rules. If I MAke a punishmnet that is injust is it wrong to modify it when I calm down and can think rationally? Things are getting better with her,
she made the bus taday for school after refuseing to go to bed to at least 2 am. Thanks Charlett

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Please immediately take this question to your family therapist. It is critical that you guys find better ways of handling discipline.
Yes, it is a disaster if you set punishments, and then repeal/adjust them. That's why it never pays to issue threats in the heat of battle. We usually say things we later regret, and then confuse the heck out of our kids since it appears that we never mean what we say.
Consequences (pre-agreed-upon outcomes of actions) work much better than punishments (you hurt me so I hurt you back). Start this work with your therapist immediately. It can make a huge difference in calming down your home.
Good luck.

[Charlett]

thank you I have been wroking on changing this. Your direct answers help me so much. When We have therapy again I will bring it up. He has already suggested a list with rules written down. I find it hard sometimes becasue the teens , well at least mine sometimes really suprise me with thing they do. Thanks again