Help!!!!

[sylvia]

I think I may be in over my head. I am a single mom of a 17 year old son. My situation is that although I have been present thoughout his life he has only lived with me full-time since December of last year. Before that he lived with my parents. My mother confessed that she felt she could no longer handle raising him and I agreed with her. The decision for him to move in with me was one that was discussed and agreed upon between everyone involved well before any action was taken.
I have understood all along that adjustments would have to be made for all of us and I think that at least in our home environment my son and I have made great progress. My problems arise with supervision and boundry setting.
The most pressing problem at present is schooling. My son was an excellent student untill last year when he failed over half of his subjects. (I suspect this is due to rebellion rather than drug problems.) Three years ago, after a review of the private school he was attending my mother decided that home schooling was a better option. I disagreed but was not the head honcho in the desicion making process. I am a blue coller worker and have to put in extremely long hours to make ends meet. I do not have the the energy, strength or time to put in to working a 60hr work week and be an effective teacher to him. Because of the course his education has taken regular schooling is no longer an option. I can enroll him in the local community college for dual credit (college & high school) but how can I make him understand that this is important?
I've tried pointing out to him that my choices have led me to the place I am today and he is headed in the same direction. That I don't want him to have to live his life as an overworked, underpaid adult. He is a bright kid. I was a bright kid. I can't stand the thought that he's about to throw away one of the most valuable things he has in his possession, his potential. I have as yet been unable to connect to the switch that will throw on this particular light bulb.
My hours are such that I can't be there for him as much that I would like. Restrictions and punishments are barely enforcable as I am not here to make sure that they are followed. He is for the most part a good kid. Other than this morose unmotivated side of his character I think I have a handle on staying connected to him.
I love my son and want to do what's best for him. I'm just not sure how to proceed. Any help, insight, suggestions would be a blessing.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I need to first tell you that based solely upon your letter, I don't get too worried for your son. That's because of the wonderful insight, concern, and love that you clearly have for your child. You sound like a remarkable woman who's dealt very well with some tough times. In my experience, if a parent has these qualities, the kid usually turns out fine almost regardless of the individual parenting decisions that we agonize over.
You've already done what I'd suggest as my number 1 strategy: namely tell him calmly about your own experiences in life as pertains to wasted opportunities. Don't lecture or demand responses. Just share as you might with a friend. Next, stop panicking. If you feel a good connection with him, the bad grades are not the end of the world; rather they might be the beginning of his adult world. He needs to evaluate what school really means to him as a young adult, and often people have to go through this phase of failing in order to understand themselves and their educational goals. Sometimes working a menial job for a while helps kids see the importance of college. Then that college/highschool program you mentioned might appeal to him. But for now don't get into wars over grades, just continue to tell him that because you love him so much you're worried life might kick him in the teeth if he's not careful.
Finally, see if you can con (or bribe) him into after school activities or work to fill in as much of the unsupervised time as you can.
Good luck and keep us all posted!
Mike Bradley

[janetmcilvaine]

Thank you for keeping these exchanges in the forum even though it's been years since this mom wrote in. Reading this is helping me to calm down, and I particularly like that you give practical, concrete steps to take...like "calmly share your own experiences" because i honestly find myself completely dumb struck sometimes with no idea what to say next. even though i've read the book and used ALOT of your ideas over the years, in the heat of the momment, it's hard to think clearly.