how to find a therapist

[Laenden]

Dear Dr. Bradley,

I have got to get my daughter (and husband and me) to see a good adolescent therapist. I don't dare just pick one out of the yellow pages; I've heard too many horror stories.

For the last two years my daughter, now 14, has gravitated toward friends who are in therapy or should be. She seems to believe that only people who are different or suffering are worth her attention. The boy she started seeing was the exception -- a really nice, wholesome kids, who dropped her pretty quickly. She had taken up smoking, has started telling outrageous lies and was stopped once for shoplifting (supposedly an "accident"). I think her best "friend" has been feeding her a lot of mental poison. This happened with our older daughter, but it was much more obvious and we were able to end that friendship. This time around it is much, much harder. The 14 year old has a much thicker skin, and has determined that I am at fault because I "don't understand" (and of course she won't talk, not honestly). She informed me last night that she HAD to see a friend tonight because the friend had been having an anxiety attack "since tuesday" (the last time I busted my daughter for smoking). She also informed that this friend is a "very shy extrovert who only has two friends" ... she is describing herself, not the friend, and I have reason to believe that the girl whose name was being used was just a blind for the best friend my daughter really wanted to see. When I persistently refused to lift the current grounding so my daughter could meet her friend -- at a local theater in a really bad neighborhood, no less -- she started screaming in my face. I was trying to serve dinner, and she started blocking me (standing about six inches from me) every way I moved. My husband was wisely staying out of it -- his involvement tends to escalate things -- and the only options seemed to be: try to force her out of my way (nope, she wouldn't go to her room when told), call him in and risk his losing his temper (and he is really scary when he does, not what she needs), let her dominate me physically or call the police. I called the police. Once she saw that I was serious about bringing them into it, she went to her room, and I cancelled the call.
Sorry this is so long and disorganized. I have an eleven year old son and a seventeen year old daughter and the middle kid is making everyone miserable.

Thanks!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Ask for recommendations from everyone you know who has contact with teens. That list would include teachers, school counselors, juvenile police officers and youth program workers. When one name pops up more than once, schedule a session to interview the therapist. It is critical to find one who you think would "fit" well with your family. You are wise to worry about the demoralizing effect that a bad therapy experience could cause for your hurting family.
By the way, calling the cops was exactly the correct thing to do in that confrontation with your daughter. You sent her a critical message saying that if the family cannot solve its conflicts without violence, then experts (the police) must be called in to keep everyone safe.
Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Laenden]

Dear Dr. Bradley,

So far I've gotten the names of several therapists, none of them twice, so I made an appointment with the one who seemed most warmly recommended. I was actually about to cancel the appointment, which I can't afford financially, because it seemed that things were improving enough to show we had found the right track.

Then came the weekend. My daughter spent Friday night with her best friend -- and came home in an utterly filthy mood which has continued unabated. She does have a cold, but she is also acting like someone in nicotine withdrawal; frequent outbursts of temper over absolutely nothing. Tonight (after I solved a furniture problem for her bedroom) she went and turned on the TV when she knew it was past her bedtime, and when I turned it off and told her to go to bed she just turned it on again. I said, "Are you out of your mind? Do you think I'm going to sign you up for yoga (with her best friend, the latest demand) when you're acting like this?" So she left the TV off but refused to go to her room. I sat down and said, "you either go to bed or you tell me what the problem is." She looked at me with cold dead eyes and said nothing. I finally stood up, said "this behavior is unacceptable" and left the room. At that point she went to her room, and demanded that her older sister give her something (they share the room, except the older one sleeps on the fold out couch in the family room now just to get some peace). When her sister refused to fork over, my daughter said, "I want to hit you." When the older one told me about this, I said it was just running off at the mouth, to ignore it, but if her sister ever swings at her to scream bloody murder and I'd call the police.

I am so tense I can hardly stand it. I am trying to keep the family in some kind of balance, and persuade everyone to stop playing audience to the drama queen. Obviously I need to keep the appointment. I absolutely hate the look on my daughter's face. She doesn't look human.

Thanks for listening, I know this was long, but it's excellent therapy while I wait for my appointment.

By the way, I was planning to go to the first one alone to get a feel for this therapist (she's a trained social worker in practice with a psychiatrist). Does that make sense?

Thanks again!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I think that it makes great sense to go alone to the first shrink appointment. It is critical that you take your best shot at connecting your daughter wtih someone you think will "fit" with her.
I know this is easy to say and hard to do but PLEASE view your daughter's horrible behaviors as symptoms of pain, not as personal attacks. Something is really hurting her a lot. Stay dispassionate. Do not get into confrontations with her over TV viewing for now, and try to not issue threats. Rather offer her an incentive. For example, yoga might be a great help for her to control her mood. So rather than take that away, give her an opportunity to earn that by complying with negotiated rules on things like bedtimes and respectful behavior at home.
Most of all, don't go for her "bait" when she's provocative. Just say, "Honey, it feels to me that something is hurting you terribly for you to act this way. Please think about telling me or some other adult about whatever it is. I love you, and nothing you do can ever change that." Then just walk away.
Hang in there and keep us posted.

[Laenden]

Dear Dr. Bradley,

I lost the appointment (the carefully hidden scrap of paper on which I'd written it), and the therapist's office didn't call to remind me as they'd said they would. Meanwhile, things have improved dramatically here, so I've decided not to go with plan B for now(another therapist I'd found through your site).

Briefly -- we just kept very calm, refused to engage, and took every opportunity to be friendly and affectionate. As the "demon child" gradually withdrew, we of course got more opportunities. We've reached a point where she can take "no" for an answer and will do what she's told without much hassle (as in, "vacuum the living room before you go out with your friends). Sometimes I have to negotiate a little, and she and I have developed a semi-jokey style for that. It works well enough. She is still demanding and frequently obnoxious to her siblings, but no longer vicious. Actually she's friendly to her siblings at least half the time.

Many thanks for your help -- this was a life line!

Laenden
a.k.a. -- Much Happier Mom!