curfew

[missy]

Our daughter turned 18 in August & suddenly thought there should be no more rules / curfew. Since we are her primary support & this is our house, we believed we had the right to impose curfew. (midnight) We do not think it is appropriate for her to be out all night or strolling in at 5AM.

Now she has been home for Thanksgiving & again complained that there should be no curfew. After all, she "is 18 & can do whatever she wants at college". After discussion, we agreed to change from midnight to 1AM. Initially, she was happy with this but now again thinks there should be no time.

She is a great kid, does well in school, has a part time job & has never broken curfew - just doesn't like having one. Is it appropriate to let her stay out all night when home from college? Are we really the only parents that set limits on an 18 yo? Or is she just testing us? Please advise. We have younger ones taking notes on this issue!

Missy

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
Remember all those years where you kept saying, "I can't wait until she's 18" or "If we can just get her through to 18..." Well, welcome to the world of 18 where all the old issues do not magically evaporate and some new, tough ones emerge.
That said, here are some thoughts and questions for you to mull:
-curfew is a "kid-by-kid" rule; some kids are smarter, more responsible and thus safer with a loose curfew. Others are definitely not.
-it's not the hours that threaten kids, it's the people and places they visit. Threats exist at 3PM at least as often as at 3AM.
-the curfews that are most often honored are the ones that are negotiated by parents, not unilaterally imposed by them
-curfew is more than just a safety net. It's also an issue of respect and consideration for the folks with whom you live.

My thought would be to sit and share these thoughts with your daughter and see if you can talk out some solution together. Many parents of terrific kids like yours go to a compromise where the child (now a young adult) agrees to check in to let parents know where they'll be and APPROXIMATELY what time they'll be home. Perhaps with that freedom, she'll continue to self-regulate well, which is really the best goal of all parenting rules. If she doesn't, then you simply go to the next conversation about what's going on.
Please let us know how you do with this. There are many other parents wrestling with 18. Good luck.