Corinne
03-15-2006, 11:36 AM
Hi,
I have 2 children, an 18 YO son and a 16 YO daughter. My son is a great kid. He is in his 1st year of community college.
My daughter is beautiful, has always been the most popular girl in her grade and those under and above her for many years. She was always smiling, friendly and open to new people and things. She has always been friends with different groups of kids, not to stereotype, but easier to state this way, brainacs, jocks, overweight kids, preppies... She was always comfortable with any type of group. She has spent a lot of time with older kids as well, right from her first breath, whether they were the kids of my friends or neighbors. (rural area).
She was always a good student and a teacher's pet in every grade, until the last 1 year. She is now in the 3rd quarter of her sophomore year and she is failing 4 classes, 2 for the year. She is already repeating 9th grade English. Guidance counselor has advised if she doesn't pull it out now, she will have to be put in the alternative education program (not votech) next year because there is no way she can make up the classes. She is not an alt ed kind of kid. My son was, but struggled thru and graduated adn went on to college,
My daughter began what I thought was a normal teenage withdrawal, "you don't understand...", etc. I tried to help, give her advice which was not wanted, lend an ear that was not wanted... So I left her alone, hoping she would figure things out. She also began hanging around older kids, her friend’s sibling's girlfriends, etc. Not long after this, she met an older girl, Ani (my daughter was 15 at the time, the other girl was 18) through a neighbor that she was doing Pilates with. 9 months later, she rarely sees any of her other friends, she only hangs out with this new group, of which she is the youngest. I found her private notebook (she left out by computer - fair game) and read a lot of VERY depressing things - talk of life not worth living and how she came close several times to ending it all. I took her to the pediatrician who put her on Zoloft and I hunted for psychologist. A few days later, the day after her surprise sweet 16 b'day party, we argued. The next day she moved out to live with her father (his words, he's never been a father but now he has to learn). All this because I would not let her go see Ani who was in a car accident, not injured but it was her 2nd car accident in 3 wks (the sister of another of Ani’s younger friends said alcohol was involved and even called Ani's mom to tell her). My daughter had lied to me about where she was going the evening before, so she was not allowed to go see her. My daughter threw the phone on the floor, went to her room, threw a bottle through her wall, called her father and moved out.
She did tell me that I am too judgmental/restrictive, don't trust her not to do the things her new group does (drink, smoke pot, riding in cars with an altered person). We had been going round and round about that for a many months before she left, as well as the fact that she was sleeping over at homes without any parental supervision, not calling me, just doing what she wanted, whenever she wanted.
Last week, 4 of her male friends in the new group were arrested for burglarizing a local restaurant of a good portion of their liquor. One of these kids was in trouble before at age 17 and since he violated his parole, he will be serving 7-15. And this is one of the better kids, the others just haven't been caught yet. One of them offered to sell her Zoloft for her.
Anyway, it took a few weeks to find a psychologist, but I did in mid February. She has been going to sessions, had her 4th the other day. Throughout this time, she has refused to see me or speak to me. I do take her to all the doc's visits but the hour ride there and back is long and very stressful. She just informed me (the 2nd time she has spoken to me in 5 wks) that her ideal situation involves her moving in with a friend and not having any family contact at all.
The friend she is speaking of is the same one who advised her not to take her meds and that she would coach her to lie to the therapist as she has done it many times before. I spoke with this friend's mom about this to see if she could explain the situation and speak to her daughter as she is older and my daughter looks up to her, respects her and cares what she thinks. I was told, "they will do what they want anyway, so I don't think talking to her about what she said will help, but I will mention it, and yes Ani did do what she said, but she turned out fine..." My daughter also spends a lot of time with this mother as well. "She's great and doesn't try to tell us what to do."
I advised the psychologist that my daughter and I need sessions together and she agreed. My daughter refuses. She doesn't feel she should have to go to therapy at all as her family is the problem, not her. The psychologist stated Kaitlin is very guarded and tells her she is happy now (her father has been letting her come and go within reason, home at 9pm 3 nights week and sleepovers the rest) and does not need to talk to her. The psychologist doesn't know if she will be able to break through and we might not be able to have a mother/daughter relationship if my daughter sticks to her guns. She has plenty of support in this area from her new friends.
I'm lost and struggling. How do I reach her, even in the smallest way??????
(I bought us mother/daughter crazy books last month and I've been reading mine. I've written her a letter, gone to her father's house for dinner a few times, took her shopping the other day before the session - I'm out of ideas)
Please forgive typos.
I have 2 children, an 18 YO son and a 16 YO daughter. My son is a great kid. He is in his 1st year of community college.
My daughter is beautiful, has always been the most popular girl in her grade and those under and above her for many years. She was always smiling, friendly and open to new people and things. She has always been friends with different groups of kids, not to stereotype, but easier to state this way, brainacs, jocks, overweight kids, preppies... She was always comfortable with any type of group. She has spent a lot of time with older kids as well, right from her first breath, whether they were the kids of my friends or neighbors. (rural area).
She was always a good student and a teacher's pet in every grade, until the last 1 year. She is now in the 3rd quarter of her sophomore year and she is failing 4 classes, 2 for the year. She is already repeating 9th grade English. Guidance counselor has advised if she doesn't pull it out now, she will have to be put in the alternative education program (not votech) next year because there is no way she can make up the classes. She is not an alt ed kind of kid. My son was, but struggled thru and graduated adn went on to college,
My daughter began what I thought was a normal teenage withdrawal, "you don't understand...", etc. I tried to help, give her advice which was not wanted, lend an ear that was not wanted... So I left her alone, hoping she would figure things out. She also began hanging around older kids, her friend’s sibling's girlfriends, etc. Not long after this, she met an older girl, Ani (my daughter was 15 at the time, the other girl was 18) through a neighbor that she was doing Pilates with. 9 months later, she rarely sees any of her other friends, she only hangs out with this new group, of which she is the youngest. I found her private notebook (she left out by computer - fair game) and read a lot of VERY depressing things - talk of life not worth living and how she came close several times to ending it all. I took her to the pediatrician who put her on Zoloft and I hunted for psychologist. A few days later, the day after her surprise sweet 16 b'day party, we argued. The next day she moved out to live with her father (his words, he's never been a father but now he has to learn). All this because I would not let her go see Ani who was in a car accident, not injured but it was her 2nd car accident in 3 wks (the sister of another of Ani’s younger friends said alcohol was involved and even called Ani's mom to tell her). My daughter had lied to me about where she was going the evening before, so she was not allowed to go see her. My daughter threw the phone on the floor, went to her room, threw a bottle through her wall, called her father and moved out.
She did tell me that I am too judgmental/restrictive, don't trust her not to do the things her new group does (drink, smoke pot, riding in cars with an altered person). We had been going round and round about that for a many months before she left, as well as the fact that she was sleeping over at homes without any parental supervision, not calling me, just doing what she wanted, whenever she wanted.
Last week, 4 of her male friends in the new group were arrested for burglarizing a local restaurant of a good portion of their liquor. One of these kids was in trouble before at age 17 and since he violated his parole, he will be serving 7-15. And this is one of the better kids, the others just haven't been caught yet. One of them offered to sell her Zoloft for her.
Anyway, it took a few weeks to find a psychologist, but I did in mid February. She has been going to sessions, had her 4th the other day. Throughout this time, she has refused to see me or speak to me. I do take her to all the doc's visits but the hour ride there and back is long and very stressful. She just informed me (the 2nd time she has spoken to me in 5 wks) that her ideal situation involves her moving in with a friend and not having any family contact at all.
The friend she is speaking of is the same one who advised her not to take her meds and that she would coach her to lie to the therapist as she has done it many times before. I spoke with this friend's mom about this to see if she could explain the situation and speak to her daughter as she is older and my daughter looks up to her, respects her and cares what she thinks. I was told, "they will do what they want anyway, so I don't think talking to her about what she said will help, but I will mention it, and yes Ani did do what she said, but she turned out fine..." My daughter also spends a lot of time with this mother as well. "She's great and doesn't try to tell us what to do."
I advised the psychologist that my daughter and I need sessions together and she agreed. My daughter refuses. She doesn't feel she should have to go to therapy at all as her family is the problem, not her. The psychologist stated Kaitlin is very guarded and tells her she is happy now (her father has been letting her come and go within reason, home at 9pm 3 nights week and sleepovers the rest) and does not need to talk to her. The psychologist doesn't know if she will be able to break through and we might not be able to have a mother/daughter relationship if my daughter sticks to her guns. She has plenty of support in this area from her new friends.
I'm lost and struggling. How do I reach her, even in the smallest way??????
(I bought us mother/daughter crazy books last month and I've been reading mine. I've written her a letter, gone to her father's house for dinner a few times, took her shopping the other day before the session - I'm out of ideas)
Please forgive typos.