smoking

[Laenden]

Dear Dr. Bradley;

Sorry, everything seems like an emergency now, or I'd wait for our appointment ...

My fourteen year old daughter (the same one with mono, school issues and so on) has been smoking for several months. When we first found out, we grounded her for two weeks, which just made things much worse. Since then, she has mostly been very discreet, but we knew she was still smoking, just being discreet.

Today she left her purse open in plain sight with a pack of cigarettes sticking out. I showed them to her and said, "You know this isn't helping" (with the health issues), which she seemed to think was funny. I walked off with the cigarettes. She hasn't said anything. Part of my problem is that there are an older and a younger sibling watching what she "gets away with", not realizing that she's been grounded, for instance, more than both of them put together, and to little good effect. I hate that she's hurting herself, and I hate that she's being openly defiant. I also know exactly how hard it is to quit once you've started, since I've been trying to quit (and I also try to be discreet, no smoking in the house).

Thoughts? Besides that neither one of us ever should have taken up smoking in the first place?

Laenden

[Mike Bradley]

Yes, you do lose the moral authority when you tell your kid not to do something that you do yourself; however, you still must exercise your parental authority with a twist. Here this means admitting to your kid straight-up that you are addicted to cigarettes, that it is dumb, and that it is a failing of yours. Then tell her that you love her far too much to allow her the same terrible disease as you, and that she cannot smoke. Tell her that if she can give you her word (and if you can trust that) then you will not search her things or police her room. But if she lies, then tell her that since cigarettes will kill her, that she loses privacy rights until you guys can work this out. Life-threatening issues must always override privacy issues. Telling her in advance means that you are not spying or betraying her trust.
Stand tough on this one.