controling boyfriend

[Tweezle]

Dr. Bradley
My 18 yr old daughter has always had scoial anxiety just like me. We moved when she was a junior in HS. She didn't have many friends. She started seeing this boy from school he didn't dress like her or her friends, he had dyed black hair, sculls on his shirt etc.. He started controling all of her time. We had a good relationship, talked alot went out for lunch most sundays & went shopping. When we would go out he would constantly call and say things like "I paid someone to work for me so I could be with you" and she would want to go. Now we don't go out at all. He hangs out at her work all the time. She won't talk to me or her dad ever. He calls late at night on school nights (ex. 2:am) Her grades have dropped. She got admitted to a college and went out with him after she found out, came home and was on the phone with him for a long time crying. She said he didn't get admitted. Now she says she's not going to college. Which is something she has planned for and been excited about for a long time. She graduates in 2 months. I heard him call her a f**B** one night on the phone, they say its playful sarcasim, I say its abusive. Please Help.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Your daughter has been caught up in the latest epidemic sweeping the adolescent world: controlling and abusive relationships. Some experts hold that one in three of our new millennium daughters get this infection before they graduate high school. Here's what to do.
First, immediately get your family an appointment with an adolescent specialist helper (psychologist, counselor and so on). Next, get a copy of Jull Murray's book entitled "BUT I LOVE HIM" and read it, and leave it out where your daughter might pick it up as well. In the interim, do not talk about her boyfriend but just tell her that you miss her, and ask for a weekly date. If she refuses, then offer this as her exchange for whatever privileges she gets from you. In the dates, DO NOT talk about boyfriend unless she brings him up, and even then say nothing derogatory. Instead allow her to talk without feedback from you.
The idea is to remind her of the closeness that you once had (and that you'll very likely have again) so that she can get a bit of perspective away from "Mr. Wonderful."
Most of all, keep outreaching to her with "love you" messages to let her know that she does not have the power to make you stop loving her. If you can avoid going to war with her over this kid (i.e. "pick him or us"), the odds are huge that you'll get your daughter back in the future.
Stay strong and keep us posted.