Help with 14 yo Daughter

[Danie454]

Doctor Mike,

First off I want to say this is a very informative site, I find it very comforting to know that I am not the only person out here pull my hair out.

We really need some advice on how to help our daughter. First I want to say she is a really smart, creative and wonderful young lady.

She has always been a bit of a liar. She will lie to everyone about everything. When she is questioned about her very obvious lies she becomes very angry. This is not a new problem this has always been the case. When she was younger the doctors always told us that it was normal behavior for kids to do. But this is far beyond that. Its also not just to keep her out of trouble, she lies just to lie.

She has a really hard time keeping friends. She alienates everyone.

She has become very angry and tells everyone that I am a bad mother and that I don't pay any attention to her.

She has had the school call DFS on us 2 times. The first time she reported that we hadn't fed her Dinner or breakfast in order to get a blueberry muffin from school secretary. The second time she reported that her dad punched her in the arm. She mad sure to make a nice red mark on her arm before she went into the office.

She also makes up illnesses. She always has a part of her body that’s wrapped in an ace bandage or she has some mysterious illness that makes it hard for her to do things that are normal.

She won't talk to us or her brother ( he is 13) and we just don't know what to do. Unfortunately my husband is a disabled vet and we have no medical insurance to pay for counseling for her or our family.

We are a very loving family, my husband and I get along very well, and my son is a great kid too. We just don't understand why she does all these things.

Oh she also steals from us all the time, silly insignificant things and big things too.


We just don’t understand whats going on. Please any suggestions

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Your daughter's behavior is not normal and is something that will cause her increasing pain as she gets older. Please don't view her actions as a character flaw or simple manipulation since her lies don't always serve those purposes, but seem more to draw attention or to dramatize herself. If you can, sidestep her obvious lies as if she never said a word but keep giving her attention with hang-out time and/or trips to the coffee shop. Keep her in as many activities as you can to help her to feel better about herself. Be sure to jump all over her with praise whenever you "catch" her telling the truth, particularly a difficult truth ("I'm so proud that you told me about that bad grade when there was no way I'd ever have known.")
I'd also pursue getting her some counseling. Contact the VA (and any veteran advocacy folks you can find) to see if the family can get service under your husband's benefits. Also call your local politicians to see if they can connect you with "sliding scale" providers or helpers who do some pro-bono (free) work (most of us do).
Good luck and please let is know how you make out.

[njmom]

Danie54, keep calling...don't stop trying to look for help
I felt overwhelmed with all our family's problems, and then the icing on the cake was just trying to find help for our family.
Many agencies try to refer you to another, especially when they find that you don't have a lot of money.
The best help I got was from our pediatrician, she has known us for years, and she gave me the best advice. She referred me to a crisis hotline runned by our state. It got the ball rolling for us, and soon we are starting family counselling, 8 sessions, covered by the state. After that, we will be given a case worker who will help us find a good therapist, help with costs, and follow up with us until we get the help we need.
I know how hard it is. I lost my manufacturing job in Jan and our insurance. My husband's insurance is mediocre..Please keep making those phone calls and don't stop trying if you want to save your child.