She's Pregnant

[Vagaran]

Sometime last year I vented some frustration at trying to support my wife with our teenage daughter. I say our because I adopted her when she was 15yo, she being newly turned 17. And now she's pregnant. In her mind, the developing child in her womb is a toy, something she can use to manipulate her boyfriend into staying with her and providing unlimited attention. She has no concern - what teenager would - to those of us who are further sacrificing our finances and dreams to pay for her mistakes. Mother is hiding the fact that she is hurt, since she wanted to have another child with me. And I am simply disgusted at the thought of this unborn child having this brat for a mother. Talk about starting out with two strikes...or even three.

Before you ask/suggest, she will not consider adoption. She is narcissistic (if it weren't for the DSM-IVTR and it's refusal to diagnose personality disorders before age 18 I think she'd easily qualify as NPD) and considers herself perfectly capable of being the perfect parent.

And now that I've stated all that, I guess I don't really have a question, other than to vent my frustration. Which now seems pretty juvenile as I look back on this whole posting. But your thoughts and advice are and will be appreciated.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Grandpop,
Keying off your quote, I guess now you'll find out how good a person you can be since the odds are great that this child will be much more yours than your daughter's, and will need two incredibly selfless and loving grandparents to step into the breach your daughter will likely leave if your diagnosis is correct.
Babies have weird ways of quickly identifying who the real (read trustworthy and reliable) adults are in their worlds. My guess is that this baby will attach to you and your wife as his/her guides to the universe, and will see "mom" as a pseudo-sister who isn't around all that much since babies and narcissism don't mix well.
I know all of this might be falling on the ears of a draftee (you did not enlist for this) but know that I've yet to see the reluctant grandpop who didn't melt at the sight of his grandchild, especially one who will have such a rough time as yours might. He/she might bring you tons of joy (in addition to the work) if you can play your cards right to eventually become the true parents here.
Take care and please keep us posted.

[Oopsie Daisy]

In her mind, the developing child in her womb is a toy, something she can use to manipulate her boyfriend into staying with her and providing unlimited attention. She has no concern - what teenager would - to those of us who are further sacrificing our finances and dreams to pay for her mistakes.

Can I ask you a question without coming off as critical?

How do you *know* what is going on in her mind? How do you know she thinks this developing fetus is a toy? How do you know she has no concern for the impact her choices will have on other people involved?

I ask this stuff because you're saying things that maybe my dad would have said about me if he had been a part of my life when I was 17 and pregnant. I was...17 and pregnant and would never have considered adoption. But I can assure you that I never thought of my baby as a "toy" or a way to manipulate the father. I worried daily about the toll my pregnancy and impending motherhood would have on my own mother and step-father. I made a mistake, yes, but luckily my mother and step-father knew compassion and empathy and didn't crucify me for making bad choices. Instead, they loved me unconditionally, they held me responsible for caring for my baby, finishing school, contributing to the household...but they didn't call me names or imply that I was selfish, stupid or incapable.

I'm 33 yrs old now. My "baby" is 15. We've had some difficulties in our lives, but we're good people, me and my kid and his two younger sisters...and my husband. I understand that you are frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad and probably a little scared for your daughter right now, but I encourage you to not assume a position of self-righteousness and disdain and judgment. The hard part of being a parent is loving them more when they're screwing up...that's when you make a difference.

[Vagaran]

I say all of that because the girl isn't exactly a mystery when it comes to behavioral patterns. I warned her mother several years ago when I adopted her that the path she was heading down would most likely end up in pre-adult pregnancy if we did not intervene. I warned her about the substance abuse, though mother assured me it was just normal teenage antics. And I warned her about the chronic lying that she continues to exhibit while mother griped that we had to trust her at some point, despite the fact that she had given us no reason to do so. I pushed for counseling when everyone else in the family wanted to just pretend nothing was wrong. And I saw all this and begged for us to get help because I am neither blind nor an *****. It is not so difficult - for me at least - to see these patterns and to understand how they exhibit themselves.

So consider it cruel if you like for me to suggest the level of her immaturity. But I have been ignored enough to the detriment of this child. I have had my hands tied behind my back when all I wanted to do was help. I have been strapped to a post and then told that I never support a mother whose parenting style consists of yelling, venting her frustration in front of the kids, occasionally choosing sides between them, and ultimately resorting to more scare tactics than actually effective means of communication and conflict resolution.

And I assure you that my daughter does not mind this pregnancy because for her it is a means (a toy if you will) in order to keep this male figure in her life. She has been abandoned before by past father figures. She will use whatever means and whomever it takes to make sure that at least one remains to lavish love and attention on her. Well, attention at least.

I am not trying to touch a nerve on those who experienced early pregnancies. But I do know this child. She may be "crazy" but she's not complicated or unpredictable. And I know full well that she is in no position to raise a child, though she will insist on her superiority as a parental figure. This is where the narcissism comes into play. I have already heard her say things in regards to other people's children, So-n-so loves me more than his mom/dad/fill-in-the-blank-here. And this is perhaps the third strike against a child who has no idea what life may actually be.

[Oopsie Daisy]

She has been abandoned before by past father figures. She will use whatever means and whomever it takes to make sure that at least one remains to lavish love and attention on her. Well, attention at least.

Sounds to me like this young woman has a lot going against her...I think a lot of parents, especially men, have a hard time understanding the severe damage that is done to little girls when they are abandoned by their fathers and father-figures. The psychology of young women who have been abandoned or mistreated by their fathers (biological) is so transparent and it so often ends in unplanned pregnancies.

I sympathize with your position. I understand your frustration, really I do. But I think it is monumentally sad that your daughter is experiencing such predictable consequences for a pattern of life that started way earlier than the last few years...

[Mrs.Mom]

Vagaran,

I applaud you for stepping up to the plate to become the father of a difficult child that is not biologically yours (forgive me if my assumption is incorrect). You could have walked away, you could have stopped paying attention, you could have stopped sounding the warning bell and you could let your frustration reject this unborn child but it dosent sound like you have.

My husband has done the same for my daugter. She has an eating disorder which comes with a whole plethera of health risks, lies and risky behavior. He suits up and shows up to help handle whatever comes our way and he does it from a place of love. To me he is an ordinary hero.

I hope you and your wife will be able to pull together as a team. Believe me when I say the team approach is MUCH easier than being solo.

Good luck.

[Skye]

Vegaran.......as Daisy said above....her parents held HER responsible for raising HER child. It is not hard to figure out the care, energy and attention a new baby will be and continue to be for quite a while. I would try to sit down your wife and daughter and discuss exactly what, if any role you and mom are willing or not willing to take on. I think the 17 year old needs to know SHE will be getting up to feed the baby, (breastfeeding will make it, oh, so much easier for her, if at all possible), SHE will be the one changine the baby, taking it to day care and picking it up, and spending HER Friday and Saturday nights caring and spending time with her baby.

If she is as Narcisstic as you believe, she will need a strong dose of reality, as they tend to not be in the reality that you and I know.

Also, you and your wife do not want to be enablers in this. If you take on the "parenting" role, she will see or feel no reason not to get pregnant again! And, though you want to help her and be good grandparents, you do not want the baby to grow up knowing his mother had no time for him and other things were more important than he was.

I would sit her down, work out the typical daily care: SHE gets up at 6 AM, changes, feeds baby, reads or sings to him, SHE brings him to daycare with the change of clothes SHE packed for him the night before, etc. Tell her you and your wife will watch the baby for her once in a great while, SHE will be staying home with her baby on the weekend, not you. And let her know, she will be using the extra money she has or gets to buy clothes, food and daycare for the baby.

When faced with the reality of what this will actually mean to her life, she may choose adoption, and if not, then maybe she is ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child. Let her know loud and clear, though you love her and the baby, you are NOT going to raise her child for her.