16yo viewing child porn

[lallen08]

I need advice on how to help my son. He is a well-adjusted, popular kid and an average student. We have a good relationship with him. He has always been strong willed and we are careful to avoid power struggles with him. Unfortunately, we seem to have gotten ourselves into one now and I'm not sure how best to handle it. This summer we found child and adult porn on his computer. We took the computer away, made sure he understood that possession of child porn is a felony and that it is a major risk to the whole family, established a zero tolerance rule for all porn and gave him back the computer with new limits and rules. Last week I discovered that he was downloading both types of porn again within a couple of weeks of the incident this summer and has been downloading regularly since then. Again took away the computer and also took him for a consultation with a cognitive behavioral therapist who specializes in juvenile sex offending. He is to begin therapy next week. Because he went to the consultation and has agreed to therapy, we gave him back Internet access with filtering/monitoring software installed. This morning I discovered that he managed to uninstall the software. My question is this - he seems to be in power and control rebellion mode on this issue. He refuses to talk about it, is surly, has bad mouthed the therapist who he says believes he is a pedophile, and is playing games. How can I get out of this power struggle enough to help him lower his guard and benefit from therapy. His dad and I are very worried about him and that he may not take this seriously. Any advice?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
Unfortunately this scenario is becoming all too common in too many homes these days since this generation of teens has been pounded by highly-addictive-to-teen-brain pornography from incredibly early ages. In fact the average age of exposure to hard-core pornography in this nation is now age TEN (no, that is not a misprint) with perhaps 32% of 7-year-olds regularly tuning it in.
I tell you this for two reasons which might help you to not take his behavior personally. The first is that your son's rage at you and his shrink might result from the fact that he feels sick and disgusted by his own out-of-control (addictive?) behavior. The second concern to keep in mind is that many kids who watch child porn were themselves molested by older kids or adults.
In any event I'd unplug the 'Net for now (safety precaution) and let the therapist try to build a relationship with your son to see what's going on. If you can, try to view your son as a victim of this insane world we adults have created around our kids, and talk with him about everything except porn. Try to connect with him by doing some fun things he enjoys and let the shrink worry about this issue for now. He needs your love and support more now than ever before.
Please keep us posted.

[The Teenager]

I am sorry Dr. Bradley, but I feel that I cannot fully support your answer. Your statistics are correct, but I feel you've miscalculated the emotional setting this teenager is placed in.

This teenager may be viewing child pornography simply because of curiousity of what his female peers would appear nude (many boys in my school tell me that they view child pornography, but only when the "model" is fourteen or older). As well, viewing pornography is a pressure set by nearly all males in one's class today. For example, if I were to go into a classroom and tell my peers that I do not enjoy watching pornography, many would interpret what I said as claiming I was homosexual, leading to bullying. Viewing pornography today (or just claiming you view it) is like passing a test with your peers--you watch porn, you're straight. Simple and stupid, but that's how it goes in my school.

[Dan]

Teenager,

I do not agree with some of what you said. Let me start by saying that curiosity is rarely enough to drive someone to an illegal activity. I think you have over-simplified the issue. Yes, there is a lot of pressure from peers to watch pornography, which is a direct result from the "sexual bombardment" of youth in our society. Its very noticeable that young teens and even pre-teens begin to experiment with sexuality very much earlier than in past generations.

The issue of molestation, though not omnipresent, must be mentioned just in case. The fact that a teen would brag about viewing child porn is a sign of a distorted thought process. Just because it is the norm in your school (and many others, i presume) does not make it acceptable.

I'm sure that inside, these young people realize the problem with viewing this type of material, which may lead to the feeling of "disgust" with oneself. Of course, young people are also extremely proud and would seldom admit being disgusted with themselves.

I do agree with you on the "porn watching paradigm of heterosexuality". I have observed those behaviors in my middle school. Again, just because it seems to be the norm does not make it any less wrong. This is a very multifactorial issue, which is the reason why Dr. Bradley suggested some various possible explanations. It could be all of them, a few of them, or none of them, but it is certainly more complex than the fact that "everyone does it".