It's been a long time...a very long time since I have posted anything here. Mostly because of circumstance. I am sorry about that. I don't know if you remember me....or my story, But my life is falling apart again, in a HUGE way and well...I know you are about as reliable as they come.
So first of all, I have been on a sabbatical for 18 months. I haven't seen my family, my friends, and espercially my shrink Mark. I am home now...been home about a month. and a half..and my life has fallen apart in that time. So I have been pretty desperate to get some help. So I contacted my old shrink Mark...because he like you is about as reliable as they come.
I went in to see Mark on Friday and was a complete *****. He loves me and he cares about me, and I know it...I just don't believe it. So when he tells me he wants in, you know he wants to penetrate the wall I've put up around myself in order to keep me safe, I back off in a huge way. In fact, I push him, if I can so that he can't get in and he can't get close. Because if I let him do that, he might see, and understand...and feel. If he does get close then I feel guilty for making him do so. My whole life is falling apart, and I need someone to just kind of be with, you know. Everyone in my life right now is either A.) caught up in the same problem I am or B.) busy with their own lives. The only person I feel I have that I can "be with"....right now, is Mark. And yet I can't. I told him today I can't conjure up feelings when I am with him. I just can't. I hate it, because all I want to do is feel when I am with him. But I can't. I got so frustrated.....so very frustrated. I almost told Mark to "f-off" but thank goodness I didn't make that mistake. But I left in a huff. And I left completely frustrated and hating myself. He just wants to help me, but I can't get over the fact that he probably only wants to help me because he gets paid to. And I know that isn't true. We are buddies Mark and I. We have been for a long time. And I think that is why I feel the way I do. I have been seeing him for a really long time...and geeze, I should have made some kind of progress by now but I feel like I haven't in the least....it's not that I haven't made any progress I think...it is more my life circumstances haven't changed all that much. And I think that is what frustrates me the most. That and the fact that my life has completely fallen apart the last month, and I feel bad about it. I shouldn't feel bad about it. But I do. It shouldn't effect me, but it does. In a huge way. Now I don't know where all the "should's and shouldn'ts" come from. But they linger in my life like a bad dream. So basically the only person in my life I can talk to right now, I told to screw off. Way to go Shae. Atta girl. And now he probably hates me. He even made room for me to come in on Friday. The Counseling Center is about as backed up as I have ever seen it, and he makes time for me to come in, for me to tell him to screw off. And he made room for me to come in next week too. He asked me, very kindly what day I would like, and I told him I didn't think I really wanted to come back. What the hell? But he signed me up for something anyway. Now, who knows if I will keep the appointment or not? I missed last week, just because. I didn't show. I've been in counseling for like 2 years (I've know Mark for 3) and I've never missed an appointment. Ever. Never even considered missing an appointment. And I completely flake. It wasn't that I forgot. I just didn't go. I knew perfectly well I had an appointment. And I blatantly didn't go. No excuses, no nothing. I didn't go. I am surprised Mark even made time for me. If I hadn't written him such a distressing email about my parents splitting up last week, he probably wouldn't have. But then again, how do I know. Mark always seems to make time for me. It's been a huge blessing...well, it was a huge blessing. Now I just feel obligated to go. And I am not even really sure why. Mark has never made me feel obligated, or pressured in any way. He has always just loved me and cared for me and wanted the best for me. Honestly I don't know why I go. Maybe because I think it will help. Maybe because I hope it will help. Maybe because....well, I don't know. All I know is that I hate it. I hate going through the CCC doors. I hate filling out the stupid OQ. I hate the long walk to M-'s office. I hate every bit of it. You ask why I go then? I don't really know why I go. Call me a glutton for punishment. Or something. I love Mark. I think he is amazing and can help with nearly everything. I just think I am tainted. And tired. Tired of the same...same...same. I guess maybe I wish I had something else to offer. Something else to offer Mark....something besides my screwed up life, that he's heard about forever. Maybe I want to take care of him...and not myself. Maybe because he means more to me, than I mean to me.
Now I am afraid Mark hates me. And I don't want to keep my appointments with him. And that is so unlike me. I know better....I really know better. Mark loves me and has always been there to just help me. It's just after being gone for 18 months, and learning and changing like I have...coming home to the same ol' thing...well, sucks. And now I feel more alone than ever because I have pushed the last person I had away....and who knows if he'll ever want to come back
I guess, I just needed to get that out there somewhere. Thanks for your time.
I know you sent this to Dr. Bradley and hopefully he'll reply as well, but I read your post last week and kept thinking about it so wanted to respond.
I was happy that you saw that you needed help and recontacted your therapist who you describe as being very caring, connected and "reliable." You speak of lots of huge transitions...being away for 18 months, your parents divorce so it certainly sounds like a time to get support in place.
Hopefully you have seen him again and maybe feel more comfortable now? If so, I hope you post about it. As far as your worries over alienating him, or acting bad, and your frustations about not being able to open up, I believe he will be able to interpret all of that and understand it and it sounds like you realize that too. Whether you were able to "say" anything, the distress that you were feeling was clearly communicated and that's what he will be seeing and it will be what he wants to help.
I think anyone whose been there will understand what you are saying. Therapy is really, really hard. We often can't figure out why the heck we are acting like we do, or worry about laying our problems at another person's feet, but on a deeper level, we know we have to. That's the voice to listen to! The one that knows he cares and that he has been a "blessing." It sounds like he can help you sort out what's going on. And it also sounds like you have good instincts. I really hope that things are easing a bit and that you continue to share how it's going.
You are SUPPOSED to hate your shrink at times---I should put you in touch with the hundreds who called me much worse names than you did to Mark. That's just part of the shrink deal, a part I'm sure Mark knows very well. We sidestep all of the stuff that kids throw at us sometimes because we understand that at times we just represent all of the terrible events and people who hurt someone such as you in your life.
SO STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP and tell Mark exactly what you told me. He'll just nod, smile, thank you for coming back and ask you to talk a bit. The only way he might "hate" you (feel bad) is if you let yourself down by not seeing him, this counselor with whom you clicked so well. That therapeutic relationship is gold and rare. Don't lose it.
Please let us know how you make out.
Take care and thanks so much for writing.
Dr. Mike Bradley
So, I went. Infact, I've been a few times. And thank goodness (just like you told me...) Mark doesn't hate me. Not even in the least. We are still trying to overcome a little awkwardness (my awkwardness) in our sessions, and I am having a hard time letting him in as I once did. But he is so patient and understanding. And he told me that he is more than willing (infact, he even wants to...) help me work through this. Going back to therapy has been the hardest...and quite frankly I hate it. But, I know it will help better my life. I've seen it done before, and now...well, I guess I'm going to have to play a little bit of the waiting game to see it again. I am so grateful for Mark, wow....he's been a realy trooper. Sticking it out with me, even when I was so stupid I didn't even like myself. He's quite the guy and quite the psychologist. One I am thankful I found, and that has enough patience to try again with me. Even if I am stupid.