It's been a long time...a very long time since I have posted anything here. Mostly because of circumstance. I am sorry about that. I don't know if you remember me....or my story, But my life is falling apart again, in a HUGE way and well...I know you are about as reliable as they come.
So first of all, I have been on a sabbatical for 18 months. I haven't seen my family, my friends, and espercially my shrink Mark. I am home now...been home about a month. and a half..and my life has fallen apart in that time. So I have been pretty desperate to get some help. So I contacted my old shrink Mark...because he like you is about as reliable as they come.
I went in to see Mark on Friday and was a complete *****. He loves me and he cares about me, and I know it...I just don't believe it. So when he tells me he wants in, you know he wants to penetrate the wall I've put up around myself in order to keep me safe, I back off in a huge way. In fact, I push him, if I can so that he can't get in and he can't get close. Because if I let him do that, he might see, and understand...and feel. If he does get close then I feel guilty for making him do so. My whole life is falling apart, and I need someone to just kind of be with, you know. Everyone in my life right now is either A.) caught up in the same problem I am or B.) busy with their own lives. The only person I feel I have that I can "be with"....right now, is Mark. And yet I can't. I told him today I can't conjure up feelings when I am with him. I just can't. I hate it, because all I want to do is feel when I am with him. But I can't. I got so frustrated.....so very frustrated. I almost told Mark to "f-off" but thank goodness I didn't make that mistake. But I left in a huff. And I left completely frustrated and hating myself. He just wants to help me, but I can't get over the fact that he probably only wants to help me because he gets paid to. And I know that isn't true. We are buddies Mark and I. We have been for a long time. And I think that is why I feel the way I do. I have been seeing him for a really long time...and geeze, I should have made some kind of progress by now but I feel like I haven't in the least....it's not that I haven't made any progress I think...it is more my life circumstances haven't changed all that much. And I think that is what frustrates me the most. That and the fact that my life has completely fallen apart the last month, and I feel bad about it. I shouldn't feel bad about it. But I do. It shouldn't effect me, but it does. In a huge way. Now I don't know where all the "should's and shouldn'ts" come from. But they linger in my life like a bad dream. So basically the only person in my life I can talk to right now, I told to screw off. Way to go Shae. Atta girl. And now he probably hates me. He even made room for me to come in on Friday. The Counseling Center is about as backed up as I have ever seen it, and he makes time for me to come in, for me to tell him to screw off. And he made room for me to come in next week too. He asked me, very kindly what day I would like, and I told him I didn't think I really wanted to come back. What the hell? But he signed me up for something anyway. Now, who knows if I will keep the appointment or not? I missed last week, just because. I didn't show. I've been in counseling for like 2 years (I've know Mark for 3) and I've never missed an appointment. Ever. Never even considered missing an appointment. And I completely flake. It wasn't that I forgot. I just didn't go. I knew perfectly well I had an appointment. And I blatantly didn't go. No excuses, no nothing. I didn't go. I am surprised Mark even made time for me. If I hadn't written him such a distressing email about my parents splitting up last week, he probably wouldn't have. But then again, how do I know. Mark always seems to make time for me. It's been a huge blessing...well, it was a huge blessing. Now I just feel obligated to go. And I am not even really sure why. Mark has never made me feel obligated, or pressured in any way. He has always just loved me and cared for me and wanted the best for me. Honestly I don't know why I go. Maybe because I think it will help. Maybe because I hope it will help. Maybe because....well, I don't know. All I know is that I hate it. I hate going through the CCC doors. I hate filling out the stupid OQ. I hate the long walk to M-'s office. I hate every bit of it. You ask why I go then? I don't really know why I go. Call me a glutton for punishment. Or something. I love Mark. I think he is amazing and can help with nearly everything. I just think I am tainted. And tired. Tired of the same...same...same. I guess maybe I wish I had something else to offer. Something else to offer Mark....something besides my screwed up life, that he's heard about forever. Maybe I want to take care of him...and not myself. Maybe because he means more to me, than I mean to me.
Now I am afraid Mark hates me. And I don't want to keep my appointments with him. And that is so unlike me. I know better....I really know better. Mark loves me and has always been there to just help me. It's just after being gone for 18 months, and learning and changing like I have...coming home to the same ol' thing...well, sucks. And now I feel more alone than ever because I have pushed the last person I had away....and who knows if he'll ever want to come back
I guess, I just needed to get that out there somewhere. Thanks for your time.