My 13 year step daughter is getting violent

[indigorn]

Hi I am new to this forum though I read Dr. Mikes book several times. I am a lesbian in a 6 year committed relationship who has a blended family consisting of my 2 sons who are grown and out of the house and my partner's 2 daughters who are 16 and 13. Over the past 6 months the 13 year old has become very angry, raging, manipulative and out of control. She is in a probation program and has been in respite foster care. We have tried... it seems like everything and nothing has made a difference. Our 13 year takes no accountablitly and shows no remorse when she is hurtful, violent or mean. She goes to a counselor but I believe has the couselor hoodwinked. Every moment we live in fear that she will get out of control and lose it again. Law enforcement states that they can do nothing about her violence unless she does serious harm. My partner and I are truely at a loss of what to do next and feel alone and over whelmed.

[amimom]

Hi I am new to this forum though I read Dr. Mikes book several times. I am a lesbian in a 6 year committed relationship who has a blended family consisting of my 2 sons who are grown and out of the house and my partner's 2 daughters who are 16 and 13. Over the past 6 months the 13 year old has become very angry, raging, manipulative and out of control. She is in a probation program and has been in respite foster care. We have tried... it seems like everything and nothing has made a difference. Our 13 year takes no accountablitly and shows no remorse when she is hurtful, violent or mean. She goes to a counselor but I believe has the couselor hoodwinked. Every moment we live in fear that she will get out of control and lose it again. Law enforcement states that they can do nothing about her violence unless she does serious harm. My partner and I are truely at a loss of what to do next and feel alone and over whelmed.

My advice would be to have her evaluated for underlying mental health issues, if possible.

My 15-year-old son was diagnosed with ADHD and depression last spring, but after 3 months on an anti-depressant it was clear that he has a mood disorder from his mania and raging. His medication was corrected and his moods are better.

Hang in there... AM

[indigorn]

Thankyou for the advice amimom. We are changing insurances for our step daughter so we will need new providers. We will be making a first visit appt. very soon and will address our daughter's behavior issues with the new provider.

[Entlover]

I'm sorry you're going through this.
In our state we have a very helpful parent support program, called Changes. A group of about 50 parents meets once a week for support, information, presentations on parenting and legal issues, etc. You might look for something similar in your area.
There is also Youth At Risk, whereby you can file for an out of control child and ask a judge to support you in enforcing your rules. That would be for things like staying out without permission, running away, skipping school -- sounds like your daughter is out of control at home but not doing those things.
Glad to hear you will be contacting a new provider who may have new insights. In my experience the best you can do on your own is keep communication lines open, make sure ( in any quiet moments) that you communicate your care & love to her. Even when they act like they're not listening, they are.

[indigorn]

"There is also Youth At Risk, whereby you can file for an out of control child and ask a judge to support you in enforcing your rules. That would be for things like staying out without permission, running away, skipping school." Thankyou for the advice Entlover. Our daughter was in a youth at risk program but violated the conditions and boundries set for her so sometime in the near future she will be appearing in front of the family court judge. We try to keep the communication lines open and sometimes we have a good chat and even some laughs. We are so thankful for those moments. With the new school year, our daughter seems to be trying to put her best foot forward so far.

[Entlover]

I'm happy to hear your daughter is putting her best foot forward.
I gather that the main point of the Youth at Risk program is that the kids will probably violate the conditions (test it) to see what will happen, and then it happens . . .the judge lays down the law, and puts some kind of consequences in force. The kid can end up in juvenile detention if they ignore the rules. I have heard of children who have turned around because of this. At least it sends the message that her parents care about her and that she will be held accountable. I may be going through that with my son before long if he keeps up staying out all night.