Our daughter ( 18 & seior in H.S.0 has been having trouble at school for her whole High school experience. She has ADHD and recently agreed on taking meds due to the fact that we cauught her with pot, and took away her car.
She has started stretching her ear lobes with gauges. At first, they were small, but now they are so much bigger. My family and I are not too conservative, but not too liberal either. This is so upsetting to me, but I have not said anything since i don't know how to handle it.
I know in the book, it talks about piercings, hair, tatoos, but nothing about this new trned.
Please help. I did tell her that I did not like it when she first started, but did not prohibit it since I figured it'd probably stay that way. Well, now her lobes look awefull
How can I address this without pushing her to do it more or ahould I address it at all?
Well, it sounds like a difficult situation because she is 18. I don't like ear gauges either. I suspect many teens won't either when they turn about 50 and their ears have these huge holes in them. Unfortunately as we age gravity takes over and things like elongated ears and tattoos that sag won't be nearly as attractive as they believe they are now. My son has a tongue piercing and there was simply no way getting around it. No advice for you. If I had any answers I wouldn't be here... but at age 18 it doesn't seem like you can control it.
The best that you can do is calmly ask her if she worries that she might one day tire of that look, and if she might regret doing something irreversible such as that. Next offer to help her with some other form of individual expression that won't scar her forever. Finally, perhaps insist (for continued privileges) that she at least consult with her physician about the downsides of that process. View these actions as "bricks in the wall" which together might get her to reconsider mutilating her ears. Let us know how you make out.
Dr. Mike Bradley
Thank you so much for your reply. I am certainly going to ask those questions. I haven't because we have had some very "angry" days and I need for her to be in a better mood when I ask.
What if she wants to still keep those gauges?
I'd say talk with her and try to really hear her, not just take turns talking. It is usually the case: everyone is trying to make a point. Usually it boils down to her emotional needs not being met. Sad as it is to hear for parents, our own reactiona are behind our children's trouble.
I'd suggested to read about non violent communication and respond by asknowleging the feeling and emotions behind your daughters' behavior, talk with her more ofter about her strengths and try to build on those. Otherwise she will shift farther and farther from you.