Is it too late? Please help

[rgc16aeg]

I am almost finished with your book and what an eye opener. My daughter is going to be 17 this summer and I have done so many things wrong. I am a type A personality who try's to control and know everything. My daughter is a beautiful girl who gets good grades and a very good athlete.

She does try and challenge me and I can usually guilt her into doing what I want but this isn't helping her grow into a mature individual. On one hand, she wants me to manage her schedule and finances but wants me to stay out of her life in other aspects.

Here is my question, is too late to use the techniques in the book? How do I start this process without her thinking I am up to something? I feel that I have lost so much valuable time since the book talks a lot about 13-15 year olds and not the later teens.

There is part in the book that states "kids from over-controlling, angry, and inconsistent homes tend to act out, be self-centered, and generally hate themselves". Thank god that she has not self-destructed, but she does act out, is self-centered and not very confident. I raised just the opposite of myself. Funny, how you think that your parents didn't know what bad behavior we were up to and how we won't let our kids do what we did as a child when it really helped us become better people.

I am such an *****. Please point me in the right direction on the site or in one of your other books to help me reverse some of the mistakes.....

[Lucylee]

As I read your post, I realized that I was in your shoes last year. My daughter has gone from where your daughter is to trying drugs and changing friends.

It is NOT too late, to me, I think you are at that perfect point to change for the better and avoid many of the mistakes I made. The overcontrol more than anything, putting guilt trips, and all of that. It can backfire on you in such a bad way like it has with me.

I am seeing a therapist to help me with that, but I so wish I had the opportunity to change befiore my daughter made so many terrible choices. I don't think that I am at fault completely, but a big contributor to her crisis.

I am trying to learn from my mistakes, and today I made a big one. I accused her of using drugs this morning because I saw something suspicious. Based on that, I decided that from now on, I am going to write a text, and save it as a draft and not send it to her. Kind of sit on it for a day and wait until my anxiety calms down.
I hope my experience helps you to not agravate the "teen" issues with your child.
Just my humble opinion.
Lucylee

[rgc16aeg]

Thank you for your thoughts. As I read this, I am going through a cross roads and am really trying to 'keep my mouth shut'. It is funny that she thinks I am mad, but really just trying not to say much so I don't say the wrong thing.

Can I ask another question? I haven't read much about people struggling with sleep overs. Especially girls, like to sleep over at each others house (usually the parent that doesn't have as many rules). I try to tell her to let me know when she is there and home safe, but sometimes that does not happen. Should I stop the practise.

Can anyone point me in the right chapter, forum?

[Lynette]

ive learned that sleepovers is when bad things happen. there is nothing wrong for being that embarrassing parent and still ask for land line or cell phone numbers, talk to the parent or at least have her text you. My daughter is now 18.. and it was when i didnt follow up...she got in trouble. now i have lost all control over her. and she is savoring that. Ask the questions while you can.

[OneDayAtaTime]

I had quit checking with parents and then regretted it. My 14-yr. old said she was staying at a friend's and the friend said she was staying our our house and they both stayed out all night with some other kids (boys included, although supposedly nothing happened). I know that there was pot smoking involved and believe there was alcohol as well. I had trusted my daughter so much and had NO issues with her that I had let my rule from when she was little just sort of go to the way-side. Now I check with the parents. That's one price she has to pay for the loss of trust.

[rgc16aeg]

Thanks. I have still been checking to make sure the parents know they are sleeping over, but it is getting hard to continue to tell her no sleepovers. Mostly it is after parties and they want to stay. What a struggle.

[Marshal Mathers]

pot doesnt hurt u n u cant die from it but alchohal can