motivation??

[a76bluebell]

I don't even know how to start this. He is a good kid. 16 years old, reasonably good grades, doesn't skip school, doesn't do drugs, hangs out with nice kids. I feel that he doesn't put forth any effort to achieve. He does enough to get by, yet I know that he craves the attention that success brings. He sets himself up for defeat. For instance, this morning was the first morning practice for wrestling. 10 minutes before we were to leave, he told me that he thought that he was getting mono again and wasn't going to practice. I took him to the dr. and no, he doesn't have mono. During the football season, he went to the practices but never put forth any effort in the weight room to improve himself and there fore didn't see much action on the field. It angered him and he said it was the coach’s fault and so forth. It's as if he sets himself up with an excuse for failure before he tries. He is a wonderful musician, and as soon as the music teacher told him that he had talent, he stopped playing. Anyone need a new tenor saxophone? Is this something that he just needs to work out? I am fine if he wants to be average, there is nothing wrong with being average! I'm an average person and so is his dad! With a little bit of effort though, he could be a state champion next year. I worry that it’s me that wants the success but I really would like him to feel the success, for him to work towards something and achieve it. At least know that he put forth all his effort. I am sure this doesn't make much sense but I would like your opinion.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
This makes more sense than you can imagine! Many, many kids do this same thing, but for a variety of reasons.
First, some are just doing identity exploration, trying to find out who they are. For those, the "trying and quitting" is not really a waste of time, but is an exercise in finding out what they love and hate, and in learning about how hard many of those activities really are. These can be valuable lessons in discipline that kids draw upon later in life when they find their real passions.
Second, many kids simply don't have the brain wiring yet in place to help organize and motivate themselves towards a difficult goal, be it sports or academics.
The third group are kids that are so afraid to try something and fail, that they flunk themselves thinking that is less painful than getting cut from a team or losing a match. Your son might be in that third group.
For now, forget about getting him to play a sport, and focus instead on him learning about his own personality. Gently frame your observation to him, that you worry that he thinks refusing to try at something is "safer" than trying and failing. In YES, YOUR PARENTS ARE CRAZY we talk a lot about just that. We ask kids to ask themselves two questions: (1) What is their fear, and (2) is that fear a horror or a frustration? Many kids see getting cut from a team as a horror to be avoided at all costs, and not the simple frustration that it is.
Again, your goal here is NOT to get him wrestling. It is to get him thinking for the truly important challenges ahead, such as college, career, and family. If you keep him thinking calmly (versus screaming at being forced to play a sport) he'll be ready for the real challenges ahead.
Be well.