Please help, nightmare update

[kkelli]

I took your advice, calmed down and stopped being so scared all the time. It helps. I am much more able to be "dispassionate" when dealing with things day to day, but we are still on an out of control rollercoaster.

The situation with our daughter is much worse than we thought. We did end up letting her go to the party New Years Eve. We met the parents, everything seemed good. She kept saying "please trust me." Big mistake. She has been lying about everything. I just found out two days ago (after yes invading her privacy) that she got drunk that night and had oral sex with her "boyfriend." She did this (in my mind) to get him to go out with her. A couple of days after that party, she was grounded for swearing at me again, the next day did not come home from school. We called the police and found her at his house, in his bedroom in the basement. His parents did not know she was there, she climbed in the window. After that she seemed to be a lot better, doing her homework, cooperating at home, etc. The next weekend she found out that he had a party (she was grounded) and he "made out" with one of her friends who was also drunk. She took him back the next Monday anyway. When I told her I knew what happened New years, she got very,very angry, but admitted it. Her dad talked to her too, and she started crying, saying she was so depressed, everything is bad, etc. I talked to her too and asked if she was happy. She said no. But yesterday and today she is back to the same person. She says she can do what she wants.

She said she doesn't want to go back to counselling, but hopefully that was just because she was mad. I'm planning on taking her to her doctor too. I have an appt with a psychiatrist set up but not for another week. Do I call this boy's parents and let them know what is happening at their house? There is no way her dad and I can let her see him anymore. I know we can't stop it at school. Do we let her call him? I know its not this boy. It would just be someone else if not him. Right now she will not be going anywhere without our supervision. One positive is that softball practice started, which is very important to her.

Another issue that I haven't seen addressed is what to do about siblings in the house. This has taken a real toll on my younger daughter. She is also seeing a therapist right now. She is "imitating" her sister's behavior sometimes, but it is also really scaring her.

[kkelli]

I also want you to know that I have had many conversations with my daughter about sex, oral sex, STDs, herpes, etc. We've talked about the fact that sex should be between two people who love and trust each other. One conversation was just a few weeks ago. We've been trying to be close to her, saying we love her more than anything. Its funny because while she was grounded for four days over a weekend, she was very pleasant. She didn't even try to steal the phone or run out. She helped shovel snow, we put puzzles together. She started saying "I love you" before she left for school in the morning. I feel like there is a dam inside of her, holding everyhing in, and that eventually it is going to burst.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Yes, I'm afraid you must let the boy's parents know what you know. They need to have all the cards in their hands to do what is best for their son.
I think I might call a "time-out" for your daughter where you request (and enforce) some cooling-down phase (perhaps a month?) where she agrees to minimal contact with this kid (no dates, phone calls, visits, etc) and agrees to start counseling. Be sure to make it clear that your position is that the family, not just her, need help, that you are sure that you parents are also doing things that contribute to the problem. Justify this restriction by saying that her actions prove that she's not quite yet ready to handle a relationship. The fact that she seemed happier when grounded suggests that she knows that she is out of control and that she needs these external restraints on her behavior for now.
Tell her that the "carrot" is that is she's able to comply with these requests, then after some time period you will allow her to have reasonable contact with the boy, and more freedom in general. Be clear that she earns her autonomy by showing increased responsiblity.
You've done a great job in riding this out. Keep your dispassionate yet loving stance. This is likely getting her to think about her behavior, and not your anger. That's the gold here.
Keep us posted.