Caught drinking

[CD Mom]

My son was just caught drinking with several friends, he is 15, this is our very first incident.
It seems that one of them brought a water bottle with whiskey to school and after finals a few of them went into the woods to give it a try. When confronted by staff my son told the truth and complied fully with their requests. I was called immediately.
Thank goodness, I had just finished Yes, your teen is crazy! and been to see Dr. Bradley speak!
The first thing I did was ask my son to stand up and I hugged him, I told him I loved him. When we were seated he proceeded to explain that he had gone with his friends and when he took that first sip, he spit it out, because he remembered all the things I had told him about addiction and our family history and what this could do to his brain. He apoligized and said he knew it was a bad decision to even think about drinking. What the heck do we do now?
Is just limiting his freedom, enough? Or do we enforce a period of no social activity at all? Of course there will be a suspension from school and then trying to catch up grades, along with the issues of dealing with the embarassment he will suffer.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Cathy,
If your heart tells you that your son is telling you the truth and means what he says, then give him another hug and close the book on this.
The point of consequences is to teach. If a kid has already learned his lesson, the teaching is over. Adding punishments beyond that won't get you anything good. He's already got a ton of natural consequences to deal with at school, so why pile on?
I would chat with him about what the consequences should be if there is a repeat of this behavior. For example, you might say that if it happens again then the two of you must agree to see that as a sign that he's not yet ready for the level of freedom he has. In other words, link his autonomy with his level of responsibility so that HE determines how much freedom he gets by his good behavior.
Good luck and congratulations for responding so well!

[CD Mom]

Dr. Bradley,
Thank you for your reassuring reply. This is our oldest child and so we are new to the "teen issue" scene. I thank you again for your wonderful book, as I was going to the school to get my son and face the issue, I truly did think over exactly what I had read, and how best to deal with him at that moment. My reaction may have been quite different had I not been armed with the knowledge you gave!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
You are most welcome, but please understand that SAYING this stuff as advice is a lot easier than DOING it under fire in the face of a teen crisis. So again, well done!
Here's a wish for a peaceful thanksgiving in all of our homes for all the years to come.
Be well.

[ARS]

Ugh ... Similar happened to me two months ago. (Btw, that was before I read your book.)

My daughter (15) was out with schoolmates in the evening. We've agreed she'd come back (with one of the schoolmates who was sleeping over) with a tram at 11 p.m. They didn't appear home until 11:30, so I called her. Her schoolmate replied her phone (second alarm!), telling me that my daughter is in the toilets (third alarm!). I insisted to get her on the phone … right now! When she finally did, she sounded really strange (total alarm!). Therefore I told her to stay where she was and drove there to pick her/them up immediately.

Coming there, I ordered her to breath into me (don't ask me why, an intuitive impuls, I guess) - no smell of alcohol, chewing gum did a trick. (And the fact that vodka bottle was going around this evening, as I found out later in the car.) But her eyes and behavior told me that there's something wrong. Ugh, I was completely tormented inside, but out of a shock stayed nervously calm and completely frustrated as I didn't know what to say, how to proceed, and what to do.

Her schoolmate was ok and looked sober but … apparently she wasn't with my daughter all the time. Although, she shared the frame of their evening with me, she told me about vodka, sips of other drinks and how my daughter wouldn't stop etc. When we came home, my daughter couldn't get out of the car without the help of her friend. I was so frustrated that I just observed the scene, and walked beside both (50 m to the entrance door).

My daughter was completely frustrated, hardly pronouncing anything (as before in the car as well), but telling me how sorry she was, how she didn't know why she drank etc. I wasn't yelling or similar, but I wasn't much into anything else as well, and far from acting as a loving parent. She was so devastated, drunk and tired that she just fallen into her bed.

Next day she had a "tiger", sober but short talk with me but she couldn't state any other reason but the wague one that "she went with the flow of the others". (After I read your book, it become clearer to me.) And she was grounded until ... for undefined period (I had no idea about a better way out back then).

I wasn't pushing this first discussion as she was so clearly embarrassed and regretful, but that was mainly out of the reason that I had no clue how to properly handle the situation.

After a week came opportunity for our serious discussion where I finally explained the alcohol stuff much more in details as ever before (essentials as also in your newsletter - but parents, please don't forget to tell them that alcohol is loaded with calories - this is one thing that she really took most to her heart, I think ;-), and sincerely, warmly asked her not to go onto that road. It was easier on me as I hardly ever drink alcohol; well, at least I feel/felt that way. There were sincere hugs, love, appreciation, bit of crying, some laugher shared, and I managed to tell her again that she's still the only kind of a child I would have ever wished for me. But I also felt so helpless. Because of the fact that words and example are the only "weapons" we have handy, and also because I was feeling a sort of like loosing her...

... as later read described in your book. Today, after some time has passed, I tend to believe that this was just an experiment (it happened the first time) and I haven't made a further huge fuss about it. Although, I was using each of her "going outs" so far to mildly bring the question up - she reassured me each time (embarassed because of the topic) that "she doesn't even think to try any of those alcohol stuff again as she's got my message clearly".

Due course, I realized that most probably, in the very new teens situation that are frustrating for us, can be really useful not to react if we don't know how to. I was grateful for I didn't (well, at least not aggressively), although very stressed because I didn't know how to handle it. I wished to be the "perfect" parent in this situation (sounds familiar for and to others as well, I believe), but I wasn't, far from that. But I also kept reminding me that I'm also only human and that is hardly ever too late to clean the mess I eventually create.

And after reading the below, I've also realized I need to firmly close this chapter and not mentioning or questioning it again (apart of using each opportunity to addres that & similar sort of eventual challanges & boundaries from my point of view). I feel I can trust her and her judgment. And it helped a lot, I think, that our serious talk was at the right time, completely friendly but firm, backed up with lots of eventual consequences, my and others' we know experiences, and my love for her.

Yeah, I know this became long (excuse my English, it's not my mother tongue), but I also know that sharing mean a lot, can be extremely fruitful and helpful indeed.

But this story also taught me that she’s not old enough to return home so late on her own (we’ve just moved to this town and we still learn the essentials that go along). As well as underlined that alcohol (and other drugs) is a daily or at least a weekend companion to many of teens she knows. Not only that, many parents seem not bothered at all, and some of them are even offering and serving alcohol to our teens. Well, after reading your book, I feel I’ll be able to handle that kind of stuff more appropriately although it won’t be always easy or clear. Moreover, it also reminded me that I constantly need to share whatever I feel sharing, despite those crazy rolling eyes, but most important of all, I need to share all of my love and care for her even more.

Yes, dear, you’re crazy, but sometimes I’m even crazier than you! Sorry, I'm still learning to parent you, as well as who, how and why I truly am. But I love you dearly!

Dear “colleagues”, let’s keep reminding us that we’re the “example” that our teens observe and follow the most.

Wish you all the finest,
Aida

[MoMinTN]

Aida-
Thanks for your posts. In a way it is a comfort to know that the concerns of parents of teens are universal! May I ask a quesion- what is the legal drinking age in Belgium? It is 21 where I live in Tennessee in the U.S. My daughter will turn 15 in March. No problems with alcohol, etc. thank goodness, but neither my daughter or any friends drive yet so I still have some control of where and when she is out at night. I was just wondering if teens can get alcohol legally at a younger age where you live and if you think that makes a difference in whether or not they might experiment.

Like you, I am grateful to Doc Mike for this site. I check it every day and it has been a great source of support and information to me.
Happy New Year,
Linda

[ARS]

Originally posted by MoMinTN
what is the legal drinking age in Belgium?
I was just wondering if teens can get alcohol legally at a younger age where you live
and if you think that makes a difference in whether or not they might experiment.

Dear Linda,

Unfortunately, the minimum legal drinking age in Belgium (and some other European countries) is 16 years (!), as for major part of Europe is 18 years (at this age they also become major). I've found this site if you're interested to read more about it: http://www.scotland.gov.uk/cru/kd01/red/iapl-07.asp

This age limit theory also means that one isn't allowed to sell any alcohol to them, although I assure you, I would never bet on that - profit runs this business too. Experiences prove that as well, not even going into such a detail that many teens of 15/16 look like 18/19 years old (within my network that is spread all around different EU countries, I've never even heard that somebody's ID was checked because of one’s doubt in a consumer's age).

In my home country, Slovenia (where we’re also know as quite heavy drinkers), among others, there is a complete ban on alcohol advertising, selling alcohol to the minors (below 18), as well as selling alcohol after 9 p.m. But as with all, the availability can be arranged otherwise. It all comes back to the families and parents, whether we want it or not, and how we manage to get all our wishes, boundaries, messages and experiences across.

Nevertheless, I do share the belief that more than kids/teens are exposed to availability and usage of any drug, more likely they're going to experiment with it; and eventually start to regularly use them. Although it's true as well, as we many are aware of, that this tend to be true for whatever stuff in adulthood too ... ;-) As well as the truth, that some keep to be resistant...

Btw, it struck me when I was browsing about EU age drinking limits, and came across statements beginning with "Drinking by minors under adult supervision is permitted..." I had no clue that this kind of saying could be found in the official papers... Hypocrites we are indeed, the adults.

Well, I wish, from bottom of my heart, that my daughter’s experiment was just that, an experiment. Although the fact is that alcohol here around (in Europe) is so much consumed and present, especially wine and beer that it makes me sick. Even more as I recently discovered that my daughter was offered alcohol by parents of teens on several occasions! All I/we have handy are talking and discussing about, and I’m not going to give up before she’s on her own. That’s all I’m firm about. And if this will result in a rupture of some family friendships or acquaintances, let it be.

Wish us all to be a solid role model for our teens,
and faced with as less as their potentially dangerous experiments as possible,
Aida

PS: Yes, we're all faced with more or less the same challenges re. our growing teens, either parents in the USA, EU or elsewhere, don't doubt that.

[ARS]

Originally posted by ARS
there is a complete ban on alcohol advertising, selling alcohol to the minors (below 18), as well as selling alcohol after 9 p.m.

I've just realized that the above "selling alcohol after 9 p.m." needs to be precised -
- it means selling alcohol in the shops only; to everybody, not just to minors.

And the other thing you were mentioning below, dear Linda, I'm grateful that the driving license age is 18 in EU, not 16 as in the USA (at least if I'm correctly informed about both). But it leaves parents and others with the same problems... just a bit later. Despite "don't drink and drive" campaigns and similar.

We don't need to be surprised, as so many adults/parents are drinking and driving without severe consequences. I've just came across one petition in Brussels: "sign to permanently ban driving of those who killed somebody when driving drunk". Grrr...

[MoMinTN]

Aida- In Tennessee, where I live, you can get a "learner's permit" to drive when you are 15. That means a parent or adult needs to be in the car. I think the actual license to drive along comes at 16, but in TN there are restrictions on how many can be in the car with a driver that age. I believe you can only have one friend, unless you are driving family members under special circumstances. This is the next big issue we will deal with as none of my daughters current friends are driving yet. I think even more than drinking and driving is the worry of other distractions, such as talking on cell phones and driving too fast. My daughter attends an academic magnet school downtown so there is no where to park unless you pay for it. So, most kids either take the city bus or have their parents drop them off, as I do. I drove alone to school and to an after school job when I was 16 - but that was 1976 in suburban Pennsylvania so we there are not too many similarities to today (no cells phones and just an old AM radio!) Thanks again for sharing your insights. It is always interesting to me to hear from parents outside of my own experience. The world is a much smaller place in 2006. Linda