Pocket money and incentives

[ARS]

She's 15 (and a half), currently gets 55 EURO (approx. 66 USD) as her monthly pocket money, and 22 (11+11) EURO per month directly into one mutual fund on her name.

The deal with a mutual fund is that until she reaches 18, for each amount that she’ll put into mutual fund, she’ll get the same amount from me. I’ve came up with this “11+11” incentive while she never used the initial deal within more than a year - she spent/spends everything ASAP. Now she can at least observe how pile slowly grows in real (for more than a year), but she still doesn’t act upon it on her own. I don’t comment that any longer, I just print her out quarter reports of “her” investment.

Our deal with a pocket money is that the amount should cover her phone expenses, small stuff and wishes, luxuries, as well as clothes that she doesn't really need. So far so good; most of the time.
(Remark: She hardly ever gets any money or gifts from relatives or others.)

But somehow I don't feel comfortable - I feel confused.
First, because pocket money amounts and parental attitudes towards it differ so much.
Second, I'm still not sure whether a pocket money should really be something that kid gets unconditionally or not. Could/Should a pocket money also be a part of some boundary or conditions system or/and eventual negotiations?
Third, I can hardly afford to give her more (but am willing to work that out).
Fourth, her money attitude and skills aren't changing, improving/developing.
Fifth, I'd like to implement incentives concerning chores (or else), and eventually to boost her school marks (which are somewhere in the middle but quite below her abilities and intelligence).

Doc, I would extremely appreciate your help in resetting this pocket money story of ours (incl. the appropriate amount for this age), as well as some practical suggestions how to develop and incorporate the incentives. All others’ comments will be much appreciated as well.

Huge thanks,
ARS

PS: She’s a great, quite modest kid … only her mom gets confused occasionally … ;-)

[Mike Bradley]

Dear ARS,
Typically I'm not a big fan of simply handing money over to 15-year-olds. In my experience, kids tend to more enjoy and better value money that they earn versus money that is given to them. The extreme version of this (that I've seen more than once) is where the kid who works and saves very hard to buy a 10-year-old Toyota is actually happier than the kid who is given a brand-new BMW.
I'd negotiate a deal with your daughter where you offer to pay her for grades or chores or whatever. I'm afraid that you'll have to increase the amount that she can earn (with good performance) over what she is handed now, or this concept will seem very unfair to her "welfare" mentality. Use a weekly (versus monthly) accounting to keep her more aware of the short term consequences of her efforts.
All of that aside, do not allow any system like this to cause more damage than good. If you find that you guys are fighting over the fairness of your arrangement, always be open to renegotiating its terms so that both sides feel that it is fair.
Thank you so much for your most kind comments in about the books. By the way, your command of English is excellent. Multi-lingual people like you always make me feel so uneducated.
Be well.

[ARS]

Dear Mike,
Thank you for your immediate reply. I feel really grateful to be able to post here and get your advice!

Originally posted by Mike Bradley
All of that aside, do not allow any system like this to cause more damage than good.

I've been working on both incentives yesterday (spreadsheet & stuff to be clear on what I can manage financially) and would be most grateful if you could suggest some more on how to as mildly as possible switch from a monthly amount without any condition to two incentives, for chores (weekly; for slightly more chores than before she’d get equal or more than so far per month) and grades (quarterly = per school report). Not handling this with a proper explanation and some motivation, I could cause more damage than good indeed. Merci!

Wish you a fine evening,
Aida

[ARS]

Dear all,

I would also much appreciate to read some words on your experiences and system(s) concerning pocket money and/or incentives.

Thanks,
Aida

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
There is no one best way for each family to set this up. The best system for is the one that you and your daughter create together. Systems imposed by one side upon the other rarely work out. The listening, sharing, and negotiating that goes on in a cooperative process is actually more valuable to your child's development than the grades or chores that get done.
I'd sit down with her to ask her to think about how this might work best for the two of you. Don't be afraid to try a plan that then you both review periodically.
One point I would make is that semester reward systems often fail because they require long-term motivation wiring that is missing in many/most teen brains. Better to get a weekly informal report from school where teachers can rate your daughter's performance on a 3 or 5 point scale (for homework, scores, participation) that can be converted into money or other rewards (curfew extensions, sleepovers, and so on).
Good luck!

[ARS]

Dear Mike,

Thanks a lot! It won't be an easy one, and I'll need all good luck indeed. But as it's obvious that I need to change something (fuss about chores and lack of motivation for better school performance are just costing us too much of words and nerves), I'll do my best. For the grades, unfortunately we can and do only get quarterly reports here, nothing more to be expected. And as here around an unconditional monthly pocket money is more than just a common parent-kids arrangement (since early age, usually as they enter school system), there's no input I can count on. Anyway, let's handle it ... It won't be for the first time I'll be a weird mom. ;-)

Wish you a great year,
Aida