14y/o & 19 y/o
Dear Dr. Bradley,
I have a situation with my 14 y/o daughter and the 19 y/o boy next door that is driving me insane.
Let me start off with a little history. My daughter has craved male attention for years due to a mostly absent father figure. When he was with us when she was about 11 yrs., she was emotionally abused by him. We went through a year that was extremely bad due to court and me needing an order of protection against the father, and yet the court ordered me to let the father have overnight visitation with my daughter until the final court settlement which took several months. My daughter was very traumatized by the whole thing and still suffers ill effects. Luckily, in the long run, I was awarded full custody and the father was only allowed supervised visitation once a month. He hasn't been around at all since then.
My daughter is on Prozac for depression and has been seeing a counselor off and on since all that happened. She is seeing a counselor regularly right now. She suffers from low self - esteem. She flirts with all guys and eats up any attention that they give her. I've had to deal with her going farther sexually than she should. When with a boy, I have to watch her every second. She wants to wear as skimpy of clothes as possible. She acts provocative and suggestive and doesn't seem to have any boundaries for herself as to how far she is willing to go with a guy. I have to watch her phone calls because I've heard her basically having phone sex with guys before.
And NOW she has decided she is in love with the 19 year old guy next door. This started about a week ago. She talked to him and they were inseperable for about 3 days. They wanted to date and be boyfriend/girlfriend. I told them they were crazy. I said that my daughter could NOT even date until she was 16; she wasn't allowed to go anywhere with him, and so all they could do was hang out in the yard together. And that is what they were doing - constantly for hours at a time for several days.
AND then they started tickling, hugging, kissing, cuddling. The neighbors also mentioned seeing things that they were concerned about. ANd this all took place in just the 3 days I allowed them to get together in my yard with me home and keeping a close eye on them. ANd then I saw my daughter sucking suggestively on his finger. ANd I heard her on the phone with the 19 y/o telling him that she was wearing nothing but a thong and faking an orgasm.
I had had enough. I told both of them that they couldn't see each other any more and that Corina wasn't allowed to talk on the phone with him. YOu would have thought that they had been together for 3 years instead of 3 days. The NEXT 3 days I dealt with my daughter throwing frequent temper tantrums with shrieking and screaming, sobbing, banging into the walls making dents and holes, etc. I also had to deal with her sneaking and getting on the phone with him several times and running to his house whenever he was out.
I picked up the phone once and discovered my daughter was on the phone with this guys mother! Here is what the mother was telling my daughter: "I personally don't think that the age difference is that big of a deal......Right now you have to respect your mother's wishes, but when you are 15 or 16 you can become a legally emancipated minor and leave home." What kind of advice is that for some lady to be giving my 14 y/o daughter? This lady talked to me and seemed to think I was wrong to not let them be together. She told me that she thought my daughter was a special young lady and she cared about her already (she has talked maybe 15 minutes total with my daughter EVER!) This lady told me her son had been crying and it was hard to see both of them so upset. But supposedly she was going to tell her son to respect my wishes.
NOw however I am dealing with my daughter still sneaking calls to him. ANd the 19 y/0 sits in his front yard while my daugher sits in our front yard and they talk back and forth. This guy tells my daughter he loves her and misses her. My daughter thinks she loves him. They are writing notes back and forth and putting them in each others mail box. This 19 y/0 doesn't seem to have a job or work and so he's almost always home. I've even overheard some talk of my daughter sneaking out at night to see him. She did sneak out early one a.m. to see him.
ANd so I'm looking for your advice on what to do with this situation. I am at a loss once again and going crazy!