Lost Daughter

[anxiousmom]

My daughter is almost 18, a straight A student, has an after-school job, doesn't use alcohol or drugs. and up until a year ago was heavily involved in school and extra-curricular activities. Then she started spending more and more time on the family computer and we found out accidentally that she had become involved in an internet relationship with a guy several years older. My husband and I definitely could've handled it better--we both went ballistic and she then broke off all communications with us. She also dropped out of all extracurricular activities, quit going to church, quit eating meals with us, and refuses to be in any room where we are. She still lives here but never speaks to us unless she has a an urgent need for something. She goes to and from school and work but other than that she is on the computer all her waking hours. Her refusal to talk (other than to tell us how much she hates us and can't wait to get out of here) is tearing me apart. I've lost my daughter and cannot find a way to get her back. I've tried pleading with her, apologizing, begging, but nothing seems to get through her ear phones--she just stares straight ahead as if I don't exist. I'm afraid if this isn't resolved soon, she will leave to meet him and be gone forever. I am desperate for help! Have tried counselors but they just give me meds to make me sleep and less anxious. None have come up with a solution. How do I get her back before it is too late? She is a beautiful, wonderful, brilliant girl who has so much ahead of her--I'm afraid she is making a horrific mistake and I am powerless to do anything.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I'm really guessing here but I wonder if your daughter was "too good for too long." The fact that she did most everything you wanted up to age 17 makes me wonder if part of her was hidden away, a part that found its expression in a secret cyber relationship. The fact is that all of our children MUST separate from us throughout adolescence and that separation can be painful at times. It's much like labor pains, except now the child breaks away emotionally and psychologically to become their own person. I worry that perhaps you are trying to keep her too close when she needs to move away a bit. That might partially explain her bizarre cyber lover.
I also worry that you are getting too wounded by her silent treatment, and that might actually be prolonging her tantrum since you are reinforcing (rewarding) it with your pleading and begging.
One apology is appropriate for "going ballistic" but after that you must find the strength to calmly but firmly tell her that you love her and miss her and want her to be a part of your family, but that you cannot and will not try to force her back into contact with you. Then, patiently and lovingly wait her out. Yes, she might run off with the cyber lover, but as Rocky used to say to Bullwinkle, "That trick never works." She’ll be back, and then you'll have your 2nd chance to reconnect. Don’t view her behavior as the end of your relationship or that’s just what it will become. The road of parenting an adolescent in this new millennium can be long and winding, but it almost always leads to home.
Keep us posted.

[anxiousmom]

I have read your response over and over since you posted it a while back, trying to formulate a reply. I know that most of what you are saying is true and at this point we're probably just going to have to let this play itself out. However I can't get past this feeling of overwhelming grief for the relationship I envisioned having with my daughter versus the way it is now. I also blame myself for unwittingly allowing her to fall prey to this internet relationship. I know you can't change the past but I obsess over what could've been if only I had done just a few things differently. I worry that her whole future is now going to be shaped by my lack of vigilence and my inability to correctly cope with the situation. I keep thinking that as a parent I should be able to do SOMETHING to resolve this in the short time I have left without her getting hurt. Right now I am sure she is planning on taking off to meet this 'person' as soon as she can (he is a long way away) and I have no idea what will happen to her at that point. From what I can tell, he is very controlling and she, for some reason, is allowing him to manipulate her. (Why such low self-esteem??) This is not like a local relationship where you can meet the guy or at least find other people who know him. How do I know he's not dangerous?? This internet business is too new--I don't know the rules for how to handle it! Do I have any options at all or do I just wave goodbye and hope she comes back? This would be so much easier to handle if I had other people to talk to who've been through something like this but I think I'm on the bleeding edge of this type of issue. I thought I had escaped the 'teen year' problems but evidently I was wrong. Do people really survive all this without totally losing it??

[Mike Bradley]

I'm afraid that at age 18, you have no legal recourse in controlling your daughter aside from withdrawing your support. I would try and get your family into counseling to see what the real issues here might be, but understand that if she refuses, this might be one of those tough situations where she learns the hard way. The fact is that most of us did some of our most important learning while making big mistakes. And that's when the job of a parent can be the toughest---when all you can do is say that you love someone and think they're making a mistake, but that you'll be there to help if they need it. Resist the urge to say, "Never darken my doorstep again" or she might do just that.
Keep us posted.